Life with a Unicorn: The 2011 Saab 9-5 Review

"I own dead car brands only" (Prd2bdf) 01/04/2015 at 18:43 • Filed to: SAAB

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Disclaimer: Saab wanted me to drive one so bad that…ah I suck at this part, just insert something witty and humorous here…so I got a 2011 Saab 9-5 BioPower

Let's answer some critical questions first before we start.

Is it blue?

Yes.

Is it a Saab?

Yes, the emblems says it is.

Does it have four wheels?

Yes.

Can it drift?

No. Damn electric e-brake.

Does it sound good?

I don't know. I'll assume yes.

Do the doors open?

Yes.

Is it a unicorn?

Yes.

Does it fart rainbows?

What kind of ques…yes.

Okay, that's the important stuff out of the way. Statistics on this car is a bit tough to find since Saab bankrupted then changed owners more than there are Orlove memes. However, I was able to find some information, that may or may not be correct. The latest articles says that only 11,000 9-5s were produced worldwide. I do not know if they counted the 9-5s that languished in the ports while Saab's future was uncertain. This bit of info, I am a bit skeptical on, apparently only 847 9-5s made to the United States. That's a fucking unicorn if that is true. To put that in perspective, there were 55,000 Audi R8s produced worldwide.

What you see here is a 2011 Saab 9-5 BioPower. It is cloaked in a lovely color called Fjord Blue. How Swedish is that? Even the headlights have a blue tint on them.

I do not know the significance of that but it's pretty fucking cool-looking. The interior is traditional Saab design, a reverse 7 dash layout that is driver-focused and perhaps the most comfortable seats known to man. Seriously, it may not look like much but man, they are comfortable! I have not found any car that had seats this comfortable. That's a typical Saab trademark and could also be attritubed to Swedish wisdom: Happy ass, happy driving.

Now the last part, is by far, the stupidest fucking thing I've ever seen. Apparently, it's a throwback to the Saab 900 that had one reverse light. If I am reversing the unicorn in a moderately lit parking lot at night, I still can't see anything because the reverse light is overpowered by the overhead lighting so basically I'm backing up blindly. Not fun in an unicorn where back bumpers are scarce. Thankfully, that's the only thing that is simply sheer stupidity.

The 9-5 is graced with LED lighting in every place except the low beams and high beams. I get beautiful crisp bright lights everywhere and long-lasting to boot! That reminds me of a story regarding the low beams in this car.

*dramatic throwback dream sequence*

It had halogen headlights which was fine but I missed my xenon headlights that I had on my last two Saabs so I ordered a kit using the Philips lighting application that the Retrofit Source had on their website. Two days later, it arrived. I get ready to install it only to find out that the low beams used a 9005 bulb, not a H7 bulb as TRS said. I consulted my owner manual and it said the low beam uses a 9005. I simply thought the TRS made a error with their guide so I used their live chat to inform them of their mistake and swap the bulbs for the correct ones. Long story short, they refused to believe me and claimed that I was confused or mistaken. That's even after I sent a picture of the owner's manual. By then, they made this claim, 'Oh it must have been a misprint, every car that use the 9005 uses that for their high beams.' Cool, except I pulled it out of the fucking low beams. Frustrated, I sent the whole kit back because they had the audacity to keep pointing the finger at me after I provided evidence. So I did some nighttime testing. Saab, in their infinite wisdom or quirkiness, went against the crowd and used the 9005 as their low beam and provided it with a lower wattage for DRL and slightly higher wattage for low beams. When the high beams are engaged, the standard high beams comes on and the low beams get full wattage as well. In essence, I have four high beams burning holes in incoming drivers' retinas if I forget to turn them off. I'm pretty sure I've blinded some livestock when I was testing it. Highs on, off, on, off, on, off, on, off, on. Interesting.

*end dramatic throwback dream sequence*

Interior Space

It's fucking huge. I could just leave it at that. Seriously. Fucking. Huge. I'm pretty sure it's the equivalent of having a 13 inch flaccid dick in the automotive world. I'm 6'5" and most of that is not composed of my dick, as sad as I am, it's all in my legs so legroom is a must. This is the first car I've ever had since I started driving where I actually had to move the damn seat up. Yes, it's that big. In every car I've had where I had the seat adjusted to fit me, the only way people could seat directly behind me is if they are little people or double amputees. Not so with the 9-5, I could get out of my driver seat, get in the rear seat and have adequate legroom, that's amazing. Saab has fitted the car with so many little cubbies or hidden storage. I lost my Yorkshire dog and still haven't found him, I'm pretty sure I put him in one of the hidden cubbies. Oh well. The trunk space is astonishing. I will have to say that anything was an improvement over the trunk space in my 9-3 convertible. I couldn't even fit a condom back there. It has 18.2 cu ft of trunk space and both seats fold down mostly flat. Basically, if it doesn't fit in there, you're going to need a longbed truck. It makes me wonder why anyone would want a SUV if they bought a car with this much ample interior space and trunk space.

Chassis/Performance/Engine

The 9-5 shares its platform with the following cars: Chevrolet Impala, Buick Lacrosse, and the Cadillac XTS. However, only the 9-5 came with a turbocharged four cylinder which mine does have. The uplevel Aero versions only came with a 2.8T V6 coupled to either FWD or AWD. The BioPower only came with FWD but was available with a manual or automatic. My car, in this case, is an automatic. I know some of you have seen the word, "BioPower" thrown in there. That is simply a fancy word for being able to run on gasoline, bioethanol or a mixture of both. If the BioPower is fed straight-up E85, it is capable of shaving off .2-.3 seconds off its 0-60 run. I have not tested that claim. Only the turbocharged four cylinder engine can run on either, the 2.8T is gasoline only.

Which brings us to the performance section. The 9-5 BioPower is equipped with a direct-injected, twin-scroll turbocharged two-liter four cylinder engine. Basically, witchcraft under the hold is what it is. It produces 220 HP and 258 TQ. That may not seem like much but keep in mind that the first generation 2.8T produced 258 TQ. This engine matched the torque of a turbo V6 produced by Saab, imagine that! Of course, that novelty wears off when you find out that Saab also boosted the power of the 2.8T for duty in the 9-5, 300 HP/300 TQ. Whatever, at least I can run E85. The transmission is a six speed automatic with "manual" functions. It does allow for manual upshifts and downshifts but not to the speed or violence of some gearboxes such as the DSG in the VWs or whatnot. Remember, this wasn't designed to snap off shifts faster than a meme going viral. It was designed to allow you to manually shift when you felt like it, that's it. But leave it in Drive and it does a damn good job of keeping the engine on boil when you're wailing on it like a kid that just discovered internet porn.

What about the body control? Well, I have not had the chance to fully test it because it came with mismatched tires that were of shittier quality than a Chinese knock-off. Grip, what is it? Understeer, no problem, the tires delivers that by the boatload. So I immediately switched them out for winter tires as winter was approaching. Of course, Murphy's Law took effect. No snow was produced, that's Mother Nature's way of saying "fuck you". Bitch, I drive a BioPower, I'm helping you, now give me some damn snow. Lack of grip from the shitty tires and the smushy winter tires, body control is remarkable, it does not lean when going around corners regardless of speed. I should clarify, it does not lean as much as you would expect from a pseudo-luxury car. It doesn't bar body leans like a Ferrari but I would say it's up there with Mercedes and Audi. I imagine with better tires, it should be a great handler. The brakes on this car is amazing. The brakes are shared with the platform cousins so brake pads and rotors should be cheap and easily accessible. It does nose-dive during emergency braking but find me a car that doesn't, chances are the cars that doesn't nose-dive costs significantly more than what I paid for this car or its original MSRP. The steering feedback is of normal full-size FWD cars, it does connect to the front wheels and provide a bit more feedback than a woman's forehead that has been injected full of botox. Am I blinking? I don't know, I can't tell because I feel nothing. I knew that when I bought it and I am okay with that.

Is it fast? This is a yes/no question that can only be answered with "sorta…ish". Coming from my last car, a Saab 9-3 with the 2.8T that had been tuned to deliver 330 HP and 430 TQ, this car is slow, yes. I mean, anyone would think it is slow when you're down 110 HP and 190 TQ. Surprisingly, I haven't missed that power because this engine/transmission is remarkable. From a dig, it doesn't hurry but once you're moving, that's when it really starts to pull. And boy, it does pull. 50-70 and beyond happens in a hurry until you hit the governed limit of 142 MPH. This is what I consider a Saab trademark here, it may not launch like a bat out of hell but on the highway, it's a force to be reckoned with. I will admit that I am planning on tuning the engine to give me 270 HP and 300 TQ at some point in the future.

I know everyone's waiting for this part.

Is it reliable and can parts be found for this car?

If my past two Saabs are any indicator, it will be rock-solid as long you look after it meaning, if the oil needs to be changed, change it. If the transmission fluid is looking a bit dirty, change it and so on. I put a combined total of 120,000 miles on both Saabs before the first Saab met its fate with the front end of a Mustang and the second Saab was traded in for this Saab. I only did oil and plug changes, brake service, and transmission service. That's it. Seriously. This is the Swedish version of Toyota or Honda. Reliable as the rising Sun. However, if you have a 9-5 Aero with the XWD, you'll be hurting. The XWD has had issues throughout its use in the 9-3, 9-4, and 9-5. Avoid if you can. The 2.8T in the Aero has had some problems as well. I'm not sure if they changed anything when they put it in the 9-5 but there was three or four reports of the engine just throwing a rod out of the blue. Safe bet? Get the Turbo4.

Parts availability….the basic hardware (brakes, suspension, etc), some of these are shared with its platform cousins so parts should be easily accessed. However, the engine is unique to Saab. I do think it share some parts with the Regal Turbo but I haven't researched further on that. Body parts…yeah, that's going to be a problem. There are some stuff available through Saab specialist websites and what you cannot find, you usually can find on car-parts.com and eBay. Was I concerned about this when I bought this car? Nope and you shouldn't be too.

I am not going to do a scoring index because I simply am too biased and there is no good way of measuring it. Instead, what I will do is this:

Would I recommend this car?

Yes but with a caveat, you have to be prepared that if it gets wrecked, chances are it will get written off. Insurance companies just don't appreciate Saab.

Do I regret buying this car?

Absolutely not, this is the best, most solid, best-looking car I have ever bought even if it is a base model lacking HIDs, moonroof, and other cool electronic thingys like navigation, heads-up display, active cornering lamps, tv monitors, adaptive cruise control, etc. Okay, I would have liked the tv monitors but whatever.

What would I buy next?

I am forecasting to keep this car for the next ten years or longer. I absolutely love and adore this car. However, if the unfortunate happens i.e., a wreck, I would go for the next unicorn, the Saab 9-4x.

Anything that I may have missed or forgotten, please let me know and I'll add it or answer it in the comments below.

44444444444 > I own dead car brands only 01/04/2015 at 18:50

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But leave it in Drive and it does a damn good job of keeping the engine on boil when you're wailing on it like a kid that just discovered internet porn.

That's a beautiful sentence.

I too am an aficionado of Swedish cars... I just prefer that they have 5 cylinders and be in the general shape of a box.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > I own dead car brands only 01/04/2015 at 18:53

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really great writeup and pictures!

I am so jealous of your car. That is one of the best looking sedans imo and even today still looks like a concept car! Do you get people asking what it is?

Spaceball-Two > I own dead car brands only 01/04/2015 at 18:54

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I love the green lighting. Great looking car. Maybe I missed it but how much does it weigh? Is it a heavy car?

QCGoose > I own dead car brands only 01/04/2015 at 18:56

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I take it you didn't attend an university for an English major...

Big Bubba Ray > I own dead car brands only 01/04/2015 at 18:59

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AWESOME! Killer review, by the way!

I own dead car brands only > QCGoose 01/04/2015 at 19:07

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I'm Deaf so some parts of the English language still escapes me but I did attend university for a Bachelor's in Science and a Master's in Deaf Education though.

QCGoose > I own dead car brands only 01/04/2015 at 19:20

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It was a little poke at using "an" with "unicorn".

I'll see myself out.

I own dead car brands only > Spaceball-Two 01/04/2015 at 19:22

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I didn't mention it but it isn't that heavy, 3,890 lbs.

I own dead car brands only > Big Bubba Ray 01/04/2015 at 19:22

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Thank you! I tried to make it funny and relatable.

I own dead car brands only > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 01/04/2015 at 19:24

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Thank you! It truly still looks like a concept car!

I dont get asked that much but best reaction was a guy in a beige camry mouthing "That's a Saab? Wow". He didnt know i was watching him.

Spaceball-Two > I own dead car brands only 01/04/2015 at 19:24

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Beautiful car. Does it have a sunroof as well?

I own dead car brands only > QCGoose 01/04/2015 at 19:30

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It isn't right? I thought that words beginning with a vowel gets "an" and not 'a'?

I own dead car brands only > Spaceball-Two 01/04/2015 at 19:32

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Nope. Frankly, I am glad it doesn't. More headroom both front and rear that way.

Spaceball-Two > I own dead car brands only 01/04/2015 at 19:34

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My current and last two cars had sunroofs and I'm generally over it. Most often they become an issue and rarely open it.

Birddog > I own dead car brands only 01/04/2015 at 19:40

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Most people don't expect a lip reader in the car next to them.

Birddog > I own dead car brands only 01/04/2015 at 19:43

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Nice write up. For some reason I thought these shared platforms with the Malibu. Thanks for setting that right.

The mood lighting in the door pockets and that dash are awesome.

Oh, Sorry about your Yorkie.

QCGoose > I own dead car brands only 01/04/2015 at 19:52

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"Unicorn", "university", "unicycle", "unique", etc all start with a "u", but the "u" is pronounced "yoo" instead of "uh" or "ooh". So since the word starts with a consonant when pronounced, you'd put "a" in front of it instead of "an".

Like I said, it was just a little light-hearted "Grammar Nazi" poke, but now I just feel like an asshole lol. My apologies.

Dsscats > I own dead car brands only 01/04/2015 at 20:18

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Oh fuck you, now I really want one and I KNOW I won't be able to find one!!!!!

sellphones2493 > I own dead car brands only 01/04/2015 at 20:39

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Nice writeup. I know a guy who owns one of these and he absolutely is in love with it. Similar to a lot of cars I like (ex. VW CC), you can't get a manual with a sunroof. You may actually be able to, but it's rather difficult to find.

Out of curiosity, do many people stop or say anything when they see it. It certainly doesn't blend in with the rest of the mundanity out there.

I own dead car brands only > sellphones2493 01/04/2015 at 20:42

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any chance his name is Bryan? And I really haven't noticed anyone other than a guy saying wow that's a Saab?

sellphones2493 > I own dead car brands only 01/04/2015 at 20:43

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Nah, he's out of Baltimore and owns a suit rental business. We're distant cousins.

TheSaabNinja > I own dead car brands only 01/04/2015 at 21:13

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the throwback was to the 9000, no C900 or NG900 had one reverse light. if they did, then you have a bulb out.

Axial > I own dead car brands only 01/04/2015 at 21:51

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It's like a goddamn Cold War era fighter cockpit...

Axial > QCGoose 01/04/2015 at 21:55

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And yet, something like "an historic account" is also considered correct.

Axial > I own dead car brands only 01/04/2015 at 21:55

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This headlight surround is amazing. Everybody, including the Germans, could learn a thing from this.

QCGoose > Axial 01/04/2015 at 22:22

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True, the whole time I was writing my past posts I was also thinking of how words with a silent "h", like "honor" and "hour" are preceded with "an" instead of "a".

I think the reason a word like "historic" is often preceded by "an" is because when saying it, the "h" in "historic" is often not heavily pronounced, if at all, so it's more like pronouncing it as "istoric", starting with the "i", and the way it flows off the tongue just seems more natural. "We're witnessing an historic moment in time." Say it both ways; to me it seems more natural to say "an istoric moment..." than "a historic moment..."

I think I'm thinking way too hard about this lol.

Axial > QCGoose 01/05/2015 at 03:08

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I've always pronounced it with a hard "h" sound in English. In French, it has that silent sound you are referring to. While the etymology for the word says it's Latin, I think English more likely gets it from French, because "an" is the same as "un" and the feminine form of the latter, "une", precedes the word "histoire."

BiTurbo228 - Dr Frankenstein of Spitfires > I own dead car brands only 01/05/2015 at 05:40

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Big big fan of these cars :) they look like nothing else on the road. Lovely things to look at.

edu-petrolhead > QCGoose 01/05/2015 at 08:31

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I must thank you for this, I also believed every word which began with a "u" (now I used it correctly) should be preceeded by "an", instead of just "a".

I'm Brazilian, and I never had "official" english lessons. I just learned it alone, playing videogames and reading books, so many small details, like an "a" instead of "an" before a word which starts with "u" still escapes me :)

I own dead car brands only > BiTurbo228 - Dr Frankenstein of Spitfires 01/05/2015 at 13:03

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Thank you! I am glad it didn't look like every full size car or any car out there. Saab knew how to differ their cars while looking positively Swedish

I own dead car brands only > Axial 01/05/2015 at 13:04

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I know right?! That was and still is one of my favorite features of this car.

I own dead car brands only > Birddog 01/05/2015 at 13:06

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I dont have a Yorkie haha, i was emphasizing how much hidden space it had. I do have a lab though

I own dead car brands only > Dsscats 01/05/2015 at 13:06

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You still can find them, i found two on ebay. Chances are they wont be close to you...

I own dead car brands only > Axial 01/05/2015 at 13:08

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And it spins too!

Axial > I own dead car brands only 01/05/2015 at 14:04

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That's a gauge cluster looking for a faster car to go in, man...

BiTurbo228 - Dr Frankenstein of Spitfires > I own dead car brands only 01/05/2015 at 14:40

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I love cars that look different :) plus, I think it'll age very well. Most clean designs tend to age better than cluttered ones...

TDogg > edu-petrolhead 01/05/2015 at 19:32

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For the record, it's not all words that start with "u" - such as "an umbrella". Just if the word is pronounced like it starts with a consonant ("yooniversity")

TheGodDamnPope > I own dead car brands only 01/06/2015 at 00:13

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Thank you for writing this! I've been looking at the 9-5 for its stunning looks and the fact that the insurance seems to be much cheaper for me (I'm 22) than many other cars I've been looking at.

Are there any major styling differences to be aware of between the Turbo4, Turbo6, and Aero? From what I can tell there's not much difference.

edu-petrolhead > TDogg 01/06/2015 at 04:40

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Oh, yeah! I'll be careful, I promise!

Thanks!!

TotallyThatStupid > I own dead car brands only 01/06/2015 at 17:34

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Very cool. I like these cars, but admit to being a little afraid. That said, in the last week or so I've read a couple of articles about companies (parts and sales) dedicated to keeping Saabs on the road. So maybe...

Would love a manual with a sunroof.

Highball! > I own dead car brands only 01/12/2015 at 23:34

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Beautiful car! Sadly the first 9x I've spotted in the wild (on my way to buy a 9000 Aero) apparently is living the owners worst nightmare.

Highball! > Highball! 01/12/2015 at 23:35

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